I suppose this entry comes with a warning: I'm not in a good mood tonight.
There's some days when I wonder if anyone (with perhaps the exception of my students & principal) would notice if I dropped off the face of the planet. While I'm not planning to test out the experiment, currently I feel like probably most wouldn't.
The miserable mood I fell into this afternoon, I know was started with simply the loss of a potential perfect rental. I'm in the midst of really wanting to move, and for the past month have been searching for a place that's closer to work and also somewhat larger. There seems to be very limited inventory in the areas I'm looking, so when I discovered one listing that seemed perfect, I got excited. I had an appointment to view the property this afternoon after work, but then a couple hours before the scheduled meeting, the rental agent called and said the property was just rented and therefore our meeting would be canceled. I was immediately disappointed. I hate commuting — especially at this time of year when the days are getting shorter — and I want to move so badly, but I'm starting to think it won't happen. For the price I want to pay, the location I want to be, and the 3 bedrooms (or 2 bedrooms + garage/storage) that I need, I'm just starting to get very discouraged that I'll ever find something. It seems the rare properties that are perfect I'm getting beat out on, and the ones that are available are just too far from perfect to justify the move. I'm tired of my work/guest room being part storage and am definitely tired of having my bike stored in the middle of my kitchen, so the space I can't compromise on, and the location I don't want to either, so I'm feeling very stuck and discouraged.
Put that on top of a general feeling of being overwhelmed with school work (e.g. I don't feel like I ever get a break from having tons to do), and also a feeling of loneliness (losing touch with too many friends from further away, and never really having been able to develop any close friendships here in the town I live now)....and it seems like a lot has combined to make me feel pretty glum tonight.
I've felt it building for the last year or so, but I think so many years of having sooo many hours tied up with school and some general exhaustion over dealing with everything basically alone (i.e. no local support system) has simply got me worn out. I miss my old school where whenever I had a bad day, there was always someone around to listen and give me a hug when I needed it. In my new school, the atmosphere is just very different. My co-workers aren't bad but it seems like there is an environment where most just keep more to themselves. We talk, collaborate, plan, and get along, but on bad days, I have yet to ever find someone who is willing to offer a shoulder and just let me cry or vent for a little while.
So maybe that's what this blog post has turned into today -- a virtual spot to at least vent....and cry...and hope it gets better...